The Sane Truth

For all my nerd friends - Star Wars behind the scenes

Wed, 16 May 2012 12:22:44 -0400

For all my nerd friends - Star Wars behind the scenes

How to treat your bartender ...

Mon, 14 May 2012 14:04:02 -0400

Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, “What’s a guy got to do to get a drink around here?” Well, you’re about to find out. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.

DON’T…

Fail to have your money ready-

We’re waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, it’s a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.

Whistle-

This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs, not people.

Bang on the bar-

It doesn’t matter if it is with your hand, or an ashtray. Don’t do it! It is rude, annoying, and a quick way to purposely get ignored.

Wave money-

Oh, you’ve got a dollar!! I’ll be right over!! Hopefully I won’t break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your “curz lite.” Well, at least you’re not breaking the next rule.

Yell out the bartender’s first name-

There’s something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That’s one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender’s do too. Mine is “MAN THUNDER”.

Say “make it strong!” or “Hook me up”-

Oh, you’re one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you’re assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you’re assuming that I’ll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.

Give the ever-expanding drink order-

You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no problem. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1.

Pull the redirect (or the bait ‘n’ switch)-

Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don’t do that, okay? Chances are she’s not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.

Try the confused, lost look-

This is usually accompanied by the question “What kind of beer y’all got?” while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn’t just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule #1.

Order High Maintenance shooters-

Example: “Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop.” Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you’ll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here’s a clue as to whether or not you’re high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you’re high maintenance.

Assume we know you’re in the band-

We know, we know, you’re gonna be really famous, but you’re not there yet, tiger. Tell us you’re in the band and which band you’re in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It’s not like we don’t know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.

Assume we know you period-

Unless you’ve followed the first “Do” rule below, we don’t remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that’s invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.

Apologize for sucking-

Don’t apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don’t say “I’ll get ya next time.” We know all about you. If we had $1.00 just for every time that we have heard this line alone we could probably retire.

Assume soft drinks are free-

Are they free at McDonald’s? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.

Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar-

We don’t want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don’t have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?

Be “The Microbrew Aficionado”-

Usually a pseudo-hippy who can’t tip a quarter but can’t bring himself to drink “schwag,” and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. “Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?” “Does Anyone?” Here’s your Newcastle. Go away.

Be “The Daddy Warbucks”-

Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.

Be a “Whiney Baby”-

Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don’t argue; we’ve seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you “don’t have one” or “forgot it,” forget it; you don’t belong out on the town in the first place. That’s the law, plain and simple. If we don’t have the law, the terrorists win. You don’t want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule #1, from a minute ago?

Don’t tell me the bartender at the front bar hooks it up cheaper-

Bullshit! If he did you wouldn’t be at my bar getting it from me! if you can’t afford the drinks you are ordering then don’t drink!

DO

Tip-

Tip heavy right off the bat, and you’re the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you’ll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.

Be patient-

All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we’ll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money, and whistling. Remember, this isn’t insulin we’re passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you’ve got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.

Understand-

We are human, not machines. We do know you are there however . You are not the only person in that bar. Although you may feel like you are a VIP, and you just might be to your bartender if you follow these simple rules. You better believe that at least 20 other in that bar feel the exact same way, but they can’t understand why they would ever possibly have to wait. Be patient, be ready, tip well. Bar life will be so much easier

Rules of the bar

Fri, 11 May 2012 11:22:36 -0400

There’s more to it then tipping a glass and acting foolish.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is not really cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile. If you know the bartenders name, never, EVER, yell it from accross the bar to get their attention.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It’s okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her or hisresponse.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.

71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but …”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

California Dreamin’

Fri, 11 May 2012 10:37:14 -0400

California Dreamin’

Dancing Minion at Universal Studios

Thu, 10 May 2012 13:59:17 -0400

Talking to strangers

Wed, 09 May 2012 09:51:50 -0400

So I got an IM from a friend yesterday, and it turns out his account was taken over by a spam bot. I didn’t realize that off the bat, so it made for an amusing conversation.

2:59:33 PM Robert: hey! it’s been a long time
2:59:45 PM Adam Zeis: no joke!
2:59:48 PM Adam Zeis: how’s things?
3:00:27 PM Robert: whats up sweety?
3:01:15 PM Adam Zeis: not much honey
3:01:46 PM Robert: how was your day?
3:02:04 PM Adam Zeis: good cupcake.
3:02:24 PM Adam Zeis: are you sure you’re talking to who you think you’re talking to?
3:02:32 PM Adam Zeis: or you just like being shady
3:02:52 PM Robert: mine was okkk
3:03:14 PM Adam Zeis: you’re a spammer aren’t you?
3:03:41 PM Robert: nah, I am a vegetarian… no spam for me! haha
3:04:12 PM Adam Zeis: no meat?
3:05:02 PM Robert:
3:05:25 PM Adam Zeis: send me a link to a good porn site
3:06:18 PM Robert: Accept the invite, if you need the link again its XXXXXX

Truth.

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 16:31:20 -0400

Truth.

Command line Twitter!

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:30:31 -0400

Command line Twitter!

Opening day! People will come …

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:46:14 -0400

Opening day! People will come …

80’s FTW!

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:34:06 -0400

80’s FTW!

Adam likes to speak in the third person

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 14:40:57 -0400

Adam likes to speak in the third person

Perhaps THE greatest video. EVER.

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 13:31:01 -0400

Perhaps *THE* greatest video. EVER.

Super Mario Theme beatbox flute - still love this.

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:51:45 -0500

Super Mario Theme beatbox flute - still love this.

Just about to make history [Via: Russ B.]

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:58:48 -0500

Just about to make history

[Via: Russ B.]

alexkinsella: The loneliest Woody in the world on Flickr. Right...

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 10:37:51 -0500

alexkinsella:

The loneliest Woody in the world on Flickr.

Right place, right time. Along the Vegas strip, guys dress up in costumes and tourists pay to have the photos taken with them. Can’t really figure out why. Some of the costumes are really decent - there’s an amazing Batman and Spiderman - tempered with a very weak Betleguese. Here we have lonely Woody and pimp Elmo. It was my desktop background for months after.

ratsoff: “Help, I do not know this man.” David Warren, who has...

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:47:34 -0500

ratsoff:

“Help, I do not know this man.”

David Warren, who has been playing Santa for the past ten years, holds the clearly freaked-out seven-month-old Olivia Ruch at Santa’s Grotto in Selfridges department store in London, Dec 7, 2011.

(Photo: Suzanne Plunkett/Reuters)

(via nationalpost.)

early-onset-of-night: Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald from...

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 09:10:00 -0500

early-onset-of-night:

Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald from Dayton, OH was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was “at the artist’s discretion.”

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan’s friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

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Best Easter Egg ever. EVER! thedailywhat: Easter Egg of the...

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:32:11 -0500

Best Easter Egg ever. EVER!

thedailywhat:

Easter Egg of the Day: Want to know why Community is getting canceled? Because it’s simply too amazing for this world.

You already know how chock-full of Easter Eggs it is, right? Well, someone just found the best one yet.

It seems that the writers have been sneaking the word “Betelgeuse” into the script of a single episode each season.

Check out what happened when the word was uttered a third time during the show’s Halloween episode, “Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps.” (Hint: Look behind Annie.)

Pure brilliance.

[reddit.]

Happy Eleven!

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 08:33:32 -0500

Happy Eleven!

9gag: We all have 2 addresses memorized

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 10:19:18 -0500

9gag:

We all have 2 addresses memorized